I saw an article on CNN this morning entitled: “Swine Flu: Your Questions Answered.” I figure, if CNN can do it, I can too. So here it is…I’m going to answer all the pressing questions about swine flu that need answering.
What is swine flu?
Pretty much just like regular flu actually.
How is it transmitted?
Again, pretty much like regular flu. If somebody who has swine flu coughs on you, you’re probably going to get it. However, you often need prolonged contact with a contagious person to contract the virus yourself.
So, if it’s just like regular flu, why is everybody freaking out about it?
Probably because nobody wants to catch something that started in Mexico.
Should I be worried about a pandemic?
The CDC has confirmed 91 cases of swine flu in the US so far*. You do the math. What percentage of the US population currently has swine flu? Hint: the US population is 304, 059, 724. I’ll wait.
Ok. 0.000029928330790696892% of people have been confirmed with swine flu. Clearly, I am no flu expert, but those don’t look like pandemic numbers to me. But if this is a pandemic, think of all the other things that could now qualify as a pandemic as well: people getting their hands stuck in a blender, people slicing their wrists while trying to cut a bagel, people winning the lottery. I can see the headlines now: “95 people have won the lottery so far today – CDC declares lottery winning pandemic.”
How about the Spanish flu – isn’t this kind of like that?
Yes, except for now we have hospitals.
What should I do if I think I have swine flu?
Stay home and don’t breathe on anybody. If it gets really bad call your doctor. Don’t go out because even if it isn’t swine flu, nobody wants to catch it.
If you have further questions about the swine flu that need answers, I email me and I will post answers. I can’t wait to see where this goes…
*http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/30/health/30flu.html?_r=1&hp
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Oops...
So. I’m falling victim to one of my great fears about this blog – I have lapsed in my regular updates. As a follower of several blogs, I find it infuriating when those authors don’t entertain me on a regular basis, and for the one or two of you who read this, I’m trying not to do the same to you. I could make excuses – two shows in tech right now…15-hour work days…might have swine flu…relays last weekend – but it doesn’t change the fact. I won’t let it happen again.
As a sort of apology, I’m posting this story I wrote a few weeks ago, wherein I get made to look like a tool in front of one of my professors. Enjoy…
My friends make me look like a loser in front of my professor:
So the other night I was supposed to meet my friends at a restaurant and bar at 8pm. I got there about quarter after eight, because showing up on time is for squares. But much to my chagrin, my friends weren’t at the bar yet. Fine. I snag a table, order a beer and hang out. By myself. And then, what should happen, but one of my English professors walks in, notices me sitting alone, and comes over to chat. Not only did I have the misfortune to run into a current professor at a bar, he also felt bad enough for me that he came to my table to say hi out of pity. Just in case you were wondering, this was not the type of establishment where it’s acceptable to drown your sorrows alone on a Friday night. It’s the type of establishment where the microbrew I was drinking cost about twelve dollars.
This is the text message conversation that quickly ensued between me and one of the members of my party:
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
Matthew Avery
One of my professors is here. don’t leave me hanging.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
**** *********
We wont. We’re waiting on brit man
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:28 PM
Matthew Avery
Good god i’ll have my first beer done by the time you get here. Tell her to hurry the fuck up.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:40 PM
Matthew Avery
Man fuck this. If you guys aren’t here in 10 i’m calling backup.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
**** *********
We’re pickin up brit. Be there quick.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
Matthew Avery
Hell.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:43 PM
**** *********
Seriosly [sic] less than two mins
To their credit, they did show up about two minutes later. But I think my professor had already left, presumably with the assumption that I was as much of a loser as I looked.
As a sort of apology, I’m posting this story I wrote a few weeks ago, wherein I get made to look like a tool in front of one of my professors. Enjoy…
My friends make me look like a loser in front of my professor:
So the other night I was supposed to meet my friends at a restaurant and bar at 8pm. I got there about quarter after eight, because showing up on time is for squares. But much to my chagrin, my friends weren’t at the bar yet. Fine. I snag a table, order a beer and hang out. By myself. And then, what should happen, but one of my English professors walks in, notices me sitting alone, and comes over to chat. Not only did I have the misfortune to run into a current professor at a bar, he also felt bad enough for me that he came to my table to say hi out of pity. Just in case you were wondering, this was not the type of establishment where it’s acceptable to drown your sorrows alone on a Friday night. It’s the type of establishment where the microbrew I was drinking cost about twelve dollars.
This is the text message conversation that quickly ensued between me and one of the members of my party:
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
Matthew Avery
One of my professors is here. don’t leave me hanging.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
**** *********
We wont. We’re waiting on brit man
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:28 PM
Matthew Avery
Good god i’ll have my first beer done by the time you get here. Tell her to hurry the fuck up.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:40 PM
Matthew Avery
Man fuck this. If you guys aren’t here in 10 i’m calling backup.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
**** *********
We’re pickin up brit. Be there quick.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
Matthew Avery
Hell.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:43 PM
**** *********
Seriosly [sic] less than two mins
To their credit, they did show up about two minutes later. But I think my professor had already left, presumably with the assumption that I was as much of a loser as I looked.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
College
Sometimes college can be awesome. Yeah I just said that. Even for a cynic like me who is sick of taking out enough student loans to purchase a small airplane, college shit can be cool. You just have to be in the right place at the right time. In this case, the right place is clearly the porch (or near vicinity) of someone’s house where beer pong and frisbee are being played, and the right time is any sunny afternoon, preferably one during which the weather is about 70 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit because we’re in America – 70 degrees Celsius would be positively unbearable. I’d rather not play beer sports in the Gobi desert.
And really, what says college better than drinking a good quantity of Natural Light, and then painting a street (and by painting a street I mean painting the people who are trying to paint a street)? Nothing. That’s what. They make college movies about shit like this.
For any of you who were curious, my 30-plus pages of writing that are due in the next few weeks remain unwritten.
And really, what says college better than drinking a good quantity of Natural Light, and then painting a street (and by painting a street I mean painting the people who are trying to paint a street)? Nothing. That’s what. They make college movies about shit like this.
For any of you who were curious, my 30-plus pages of writing that are due in the next few weeks remain unwritten.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
My Week in Quotes
You may have noticed that I haven’t updated my blog in a few days. This is for several reasons, not the least of which is that my schedule has been fucked up for the past week, and I have been working stupid hours on several different gigs. The other reason is that I’m working a couple longer, marginally more literary posts to which – once they’re complete – I would welcome your feedback. But in the mean time, here are some of the quotable gems from my week:
“I’m out like a boner in sweatpants.”
--New Kids on the Block Audio Roadie
“Don’t throw shit on top of my lights. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
--Color Purple LX Roadie to Carp Roadie
Mike (with a cart of trash, in front of the freight elevator): “that’s too big. It won’t fit in there.”
Me: “nickel for every time I heard that…”
“See, this is what happens: you read enough Plato and all of a sudden, you’re fucking with Dr. Seuss.”
--My English professor, on reading to his infant son.
“They say this is a musical about love, I say it’s a musical about cable.”
--Color Purple LX Roadie, after we coiled almost a half-mile of FOH cable.
“And they say shit that makes absolutely no sense to reasonable, rational people like, ‘the square root of negative one is an imaginary number.’ Don’t tell me it’s an imagi-fucking-nary number! I know better than that!”
--My English professor, on the hard sciences.
Yeah, sometimes my life is pretty entertaining.
“I’m out like a boner in sweatpants.”
--New Kids on the Block Audio Roadie
“Don’t throw shit on top of my lights. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
--Color Purple LX Roadie to Carp Roadie
Mike (with a cart of trash, in front of the freight elevator): “that’s too big. It won’t fit in there.”
Me: “nickel for every time I heard that…”
“See, this is what happens: you read enough Plato and all of a sudden, you’re fucking with Dr. Seuss.”
--My English professor, on reading to his infant son.
“They say this is a musical about love, I say it’s a musical about cable.”
--Color Purple LX Roadie, after we coiled almost a half-mile of FOH cable.
“And they say shit that makes absolutely no sense to reasonable, rational people like, ‘the square root of negative one is an imaginary number.’ Don’t tell me it’s an imagi-fucking-nary number! I know better than that!”
--My English professor, on the hard sciences.
Yeah, sometimes my life is pretty entertaining.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Who Do I Call to Complain?
This morning, Sunday, April 5, 2009, I awoke to a full on blizzard outside my window. This does not compute. Yesterday I grilled burgers outside because it was about 55 degrees and sunny. Today I can barely see the building across the street from my apartment because of all the snow.
I need to know who authorized this. I pay my taxes; I feel as though I should get to have a say about this sort of thing. There was no vote about whether or not to have a fucking blizzard a week into April, so I’d like to respectfully express my disagreement with what I regard as a thoroughly wretched decision. Who do I call to complain?
I need to know who authorized this. I pay my taxes; I feel as though I should get to have a say about this sort of thing. There was no vote about whether or not to have a fucking blizzard a week into April, so I’d like to respectfully express my disagreement with what I regard as a thoroughly wretched decision. Who do I call to complain?
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