You may have noticed that I haven’t updated my blog in a few days. This is for several reasons, not the least of which is that my schedule has been fucked up for the past week, and I have been working stupid hours on several different gigs. The other reason is that I’m working a couple longer, marginally more literary posts to which – once they’re complete – I would welcome your feedback. But in the mean time, here are some of the quotable gems from my week:
“I’m out like a boner in sweatpants.”
--New Kids on the Block Audio Roadie
“Don’t throw shit on top of my lights. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
--Color Purple LX Roadie to Carp Roadie
Mike (with a cart of trash, in front of the freight elevator): “that’s too big. It won’t fit in there.”
Me: “nickel for every time I heard that…”
“See, this is what happens: you read enough Plato and all of a sudden, you’re fucking with Dr. Seuss.”
--My English professor, on reading to his infant son.
“They say this is a musical about love, I say it’s a musical about cable.”
--Color Purple LX Roadie, after we coiled almost a half-mile of FOH cable.
“And they say shit that makes absolutely no sense to reasonable, rational people like, ‘the square root of negative one is an imaginary number.’ Don’t tell me it’s an imagi-fucking-nary number! I know better than that!”
--My English professor, on the hard sciences.
Yeah, sometimes my life is pretty entertaining.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Who Do I Call to Complain?
This morning, Sunday, April 5, 2009, I awoke to a full on blizzard outside my window. This does not compute. Yesterday I grilled burgers outside because it was about 55 degrees and sunny. Today I can barely see the building across the street from my apartment because of all the snow.
I need to know who authorized this. I pay my taxes; I feel as though I should get to have a say about this sort of thing. There was no vote about whether or not to have a fucking blizzard a week into April, so I’d like to respectfully express my disagreement with what I regard as a thoroughly wretched decision. Who do I call to complain?
I need to know who authorized this. I pay my taxes; I feel as though I should get to have a say about this sort of thing. There was no vote about whether or not to have a fucking blizzard a week into April, so I’d like to respectfully express my disagreement with what I regard as a thoroughly wretched decision. Who do I call to complain?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
My Life Amuses Me
Sometimes I think that my life has just about reached a crescendo of yawn inducing boredom, and then something like this happens along. I'll tell you right now that this story ends with a pretty stunning anti-climax, but it's a fun ride to get there.
This afternoon, I was hanging out with a couple of friends at their house, barbecuing and enjoying the weather (it was over 40, and it wasn’t snowing – we take what we can get here in Iowa). We were cooking some burgers, drinking some beers, and minding our own business, when a squad car passed by the house. I didn’t really think anything of it until he pulled a u-turn about a half a block up and drove past again. Really slowly. Which was awesome because I figured what I really wanted to do the rest of the afternoon was explain my underage friends out of a M.I.P. ticket, and explain to Officer Squarenuts about how the beer they were drinking was somehow not my fault, even though I was well aware of how old they were.
But the squad car just drove by again, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Until he flipped another u-turn and came driving back toward us again. And this time he stopped the car, rolled down the window, and motioned for my 20 year old buddy to come talk to him. Awesome. So my friend put down his beer and trotted over to the car.
This was the conversation that ensued:
Friend: hello sir.
Officer: how long have you guys been out here.
Friend: about 20 minutes.
Officer: you happen to see a car drive by here really fast?
Friend: no, why?
Officer: well, we got a report of a black Ford Taurus four door driving past here really fast, and the driver of it has a gun and is about to do something stupid.
Friend: no we haven’t seen that but we’ll keep our eyes out.
Officer: thanks.
The good officer then rolled up his window and drove away.
At which point, I said to my friend, “he said he was looking for a black Taurus 4-door right? Because one sure did just pull up right up the block, and a lady just got out of it and walked away,” to which my friend replied, “Oh yeah holy shit do you think we should call that in?” And of couse, being my normal, cavalier self, I just said, “Dude there are probably a thousand of those in Des Moines alone. It’s probably just a coincidence.” Remember that for later.
So we went back to our barbecue, and didn’t think that much more of it. Except every time a black car drove by we scanned it for guns. Then a few minutes later, another car pulled up next to the black one, and the driver got out and checked the license plate. Ok, kind of weird. And then he walked over to us and asked if we had seen where the driver went. So of course we told him, and he drove away. And then we all simultaneously realized what had just happened. “Holy shit guys, I do believe we are now accomplices to a crime.” So we called the police and reported what we had seen.
The police duly responded with two more cars. They pulled up next to the abandoned car. Then they got out and started looking at it. Then they picked one of the locks and started looking inside. Apparently they didn’t find anything, because all they did was write it a parking ticket call a tow truck to take it away. Which was funny, because it wasn’t in a tow zone, or even illegally parked from what I could tell. Apparently if the police have to come check out your vehicle, they make it worth their while.
One of the officers, the same who originally told us about the incident, came over to talk with us, and this was his take on the situation:
Officer: apparently, the lady who was driving this car got pretty drunk and then ran into some stuff. We ran the plates and she lives not too far away, so she probably just ditched the car here and walked home. The people you saw looking for her were her husband and baby son.
Me: man sounds pretty good for 5 o’clock on Sunday afternoon.
Officer: (makes a face and pretends to stumble) yeah don’t drink and drive, kids.
He then got into his car and drove away, and left the other officer to deal with the tow truck.
I imagine that job would get dull quick if you didn’t have a pretty good sense of humor.
After the tow truck left, the other officer came over to take down my friend’s information, because since he was the one who called, that made him the official witness. And just then, my friend’s next-door neighbor, who just so happens to be the director of the honors program at the institution I attend, and who also happens to be my thesis advisor, happened to walk outside with his wife and his dog. I can only imagine his thought process, as he surveyed the porch steps littered with empty beer bottles, and then drifted his gaze over to his not quite 21 year neighbor, who is the primary tenant of the house, speaking to an officer of the law. Hell yes, I’m graduating with university honors.
But the high point of the afternoon was definitively the fact that the officer gave my friend this sticker for calling in
the incident:
Remember what I said about having a sense of humor? Apparently cops can be pretty funny sometimes.
Also, nobody knows whatever happened to the gun, or if there was one in the first place. Apparently that will remain a mystery…
This afternoon, I was hanging out with a couple of friends at their house, barbecuing and enjoying the weather (it was over 40, and it wasn’t snowing – we take what we can get here in Iowa). We were cooking some burgers, drinking some beers, and minding our own business, when a squad car passed by the house. I didn’t really think anything of it until he pulled a u-turn about a half a block up and drove past again. Really slowly. Which was awesome because I figured what I really wanted to do the rest of the afternoon was explain my underage friends out of a M.I.P. ticket, and explain to Officer Squarenuts about how the beer they were drinking was somehow not my fault, even though I was well aware of how old they were.
But the squad car just drove by again, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Until he flipped another u-turn and came driving back toward us again. And this time he stopped the car, rolled down the window, and motioned for my 20 year old buddy to come talk to him. Awesome. So my friend put down his beer and trotted over to the car.
This was the conversation that ensued:
Friend: hello sir.
Officer: how long have you guys been out here.
Friend: about 20 minutes.
Officer: you happen to see a car drive by here really fast?
Friend: no, why?
Officer: well, we got a report of a black Ford Taurus four door driving past here really fast, and the driver of it has a gun and is about to do something stupid.
Friend: no we haven’t seen that but we’ll keep our eyes out.
Officer: thanks.
The good officer then rolled up his window and drove away.
At which point, I said to my friend, “he said he was looking for a black Taurus 4-door right? Because one sure did just pull up right up the block, and a lady just got out of it and walked away,” to which my friend replied, “Oh yeah holy shit do you think we should call that in?” And of couse, being my normal, cavalier self, I just said, “Dude there are probably a thousand of those in Des Moines alone. It’s probably just a coincidence.” Remember that for later.
So we went back to our barbecue, and didn’t think that much more of it. Except every time a black car drove by we scanned it for guns. Then a few minutes later, another car pulled up next to the black one, and the driver got out and checked the license plate. Ok, kind of weird. And then he walked over to us and asked if we had seen where the driver went. So of course we told him, and he drove away. And then we all simultaneously realized what had just happened. “Holy shit guys, I do believe we are now accomplices to a crime.” So we called the police and reported what we had seen.
The police duly responded with two more cars. They pulled up next to the abandoned car. Then they got out and started looking at it. Then they picked one of the locks and started looking inside. Apparently they didn’t find anything, because all they did was write it a parking ticket call a tow truck to take it away. Which was funny, because it wasn’t in a tow zone, or even illegally parked from what I could tell. Apparently if the police have to come check out your vehicle, they make it worth their while.
One of the officers, the same who originally told us about the incident, came over to talk with us, and this was his take on the situation:
Officer: apparently, the lady who was driving this car got pretty drunk and then ran into some stuff. We ran the plates and she lives not too far away, so she probably just ditched the car here and walked home. The people you saw looking for her were her husband and baby son.
Me: man sounds pretty good for 5 o’clock on Sunday afternoon.
Officer: (makes a face and pretends to stumble) yeah don’t drink and drive, kids.
He then got into his car and drove away, and left the other officer to deal with the tow truck.
I imagine that job would get dull quick if you didn’t have a pretty good sense of humor.
After the tow truck left, the other officer came over to take down my friend’s information, because since he was the one who called, that made him the official witness. And just then, my friend’s next-door neighbor, who just so happens to be the director of the honors program at the institution I attend, and who also happens to be my thesis advisor, happened to walk outside with his wife and his dog. I can only imagine his thought process, as he surveyed the porch steps littered with empty beer bottles, and then drifted his gaze over to his not quite 21 year neighbor, who is the primary tenant of the house, speaking to an officer of the law. Hell yes, I’m graduating with university honors.
But the high point of the afternoon was definitively the fact that the officer gave my friend this sticker for calling in
the incident:Remember what I said about having a sense of humor? Apparently cops can be pretty funny sometimes.
Also, nobody knows whatever happened to the gun, or if there was one in the first place. Apparently that will remain a mystery…
Friday, March 27, 2009
Florida Part Dos
So remember that time I went to Florida in search of sun and surf, and instead got shafted out of my last spring break as a college student? I sure do. Here’s what happened after the almost thirty hours of travel it took to get there: it rained. A lot. We were in Florida for three of the four days it rained in the entirety of the year 2009 to date. In fact, before noon on the Wednesday we were there, rain total for the year almost tripled. Whereas it rained .25 inches before March 18, it rained .67 inches on the 18th. To put this in perspective, .25 inches averaged over 76 days comes out to 0.003289 inches per day. There was more moisture than that in the monster yawn I just yawned thinking about how boring spring break is when you have to stay in your hotel the whole time.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
In Explanation
For anyone who might be confused about this blog, please refer to this email I sent to my dad last night:
From: mattpavery@gmail.com
To: ****@****************.org
03/25/09 10:56pm
Re: ask and you shall receive
here is the url for my blog (http://smarter-not-harder.blogspot.com/). read it and weep (you might actually weep). feel free to share it with friends and family, but preferably those who don't get offended. it is definitely not family friendly, and you might think twice before sending it to someone's work email who wants to keep their job. basically, it is crude, callous, irreverent, and says all the things that you want to say in real life, but say on the internet instead, where people can't punch you in the mouth. cheers!
MPA
yeah that about sums it up.
From: mattpavery@gmail.com
To: ****@****************.org
03/25/09 10:56pm
Re: ask and you shall receive
here is the url for my blog (http://smarter-not-harder.blogspot.com/). read it and weep (you might actually weep). feel free to share it with friends and family, but preferably those who don't get offended. it is definitely not family friendly, and you might think twice before sending it to someone's work email who wants to keep their job. basically, it is crude, callous, irreverent, and says all the things that you want to say in real life, but say on the internet instead, where people can't punch you in the mouth. cheers!
MPA
yeah that about sums it up.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Air Travel
What’s up with all the plane crashes lately? I mean seriously – is there really anything inherently difficult about navigating several tons of aluminum and plastic a few miles above the earth? Come on – I’ve played Microsoft Flight Sim, I know what’s up. That shit is easy; all you have to do is push a couple buttons and then use the arrow keys to avoid crashing into a cemetery.
That may have been in poor taste.
I’m beginning to think that although my most recent scrape with air travel might not have been that bad after all. I mean, I had to pay for two hotels in one night (only one of which I stayed in, just in case you were wondering) but at least I didn’t end up in the Hudson.
Even the military is getting in on the action. It takes real skill to crash a state of the art $150 million fighter jet. That shit is intense.
When I die, there is going to be a special circle of hell reserved just for me. Knowing my luck I will die in a plane crash…karma is a fickle mistress.
In all seriousness though, is it that hard to get flights out with a modicum of timeliness (like all my travel happens within one calendar day) and not drive planes into stuff (like the ground)? Delta boasts a stunning 79% of flights on time*, which here in college, amounts to a big, fat C. If I only did my job right 79% of the time, I would not have a job anymore. Why is this shit tolerated?
*source: http://www.flightstats.com/go/FlightRating/flightRatingByCarrier.do;jsessionid=98CA0807218325FF183FDB75D690A19F.ned:8009?airline=(DL)+Delta+Air+Lines&x=34&y=13
That may have been in poor taste.
I’m beginning to think that although my most recent scrape with air travel might not have been that bad after all. I mean, I had to pay for two hotels in one night (only one of which I stayed in, just in case you were wondering) but at least I didn’t end up in the Hudson.
Even the military is getting in on the action. It takes real skill to crash a state of the art $150 million fighter jet. That shit is intense.
When I die, there is going to be a special circle of hell reserved just for me. Knowing my luck I will die in a plane crash…karma is a fickle mistress.
***
In all seriousness though, is it that hard to get flights out with a modicum of timeliness (like all my travel happens within one calendar day) and not drive planes into stuff (like the ground)? Delta boasts a stunning 79% of flights on time*, which here in college, amounts to a big, fat C. If I only did my job right 79% of the time, I would not have a job anymore. Why is this shit tolerated?
*source: http://www.flightstats.com/go/FlightRating/flightRatingByCarrier.do;jsessionid=98CA0807218325FF183FDB75D690A19F.ned:8009?airline=(DL)+Delta+Air+Lines&x=34&y=13
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