In a moment of weakness, I finally gave in and got a Twitter account. As of right now, having had it for less than 24 hours, I’m still not exactly sure what purpose it serves, and/or in what way(s) it’s supposed to further the quality of my life. All I can figure out thus far is that it seems to work by making you believe that other people not only have the capacity to be entertained by, but are genuinely interested in something you might be able to say in 140 characters or less – basically it makes you think your own voice and opinions matter to others. Which by and large is not true.
Be that as it may, you can become a follower (by far and away my favorite relationship format of all the social network sites) by searching Matthew Avery. My guess is that one of two things will happen to my Twitter – either I will stop updating it after about next Tuesday, or it will become something akin to an extension of my blog – vulgar, offensive, and borderline retarded. I’m really excited to see where this goes…
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
A Show I Designed Got Reviewed!
Holy shit, a show I designed actually got a review in the paper, and a pretty good one at that. To be fair, the review didn't really focus (at all) on the lighting, but still, it's nice to hear good things. You can read the full text of the article here.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Complex Narrative
Today, I used the phrase “complex narrative” as a descriptor of a piece of literature I was analyzing for an English paper. In seriousness. I hate myself.
“Complex narrative” is one of those phrases like “postmodern” that doesn’t actually mean anything – people just toss it around to make their speech or writing sound more intelligent and high handed. It’s like when people use the word vocabulary to refer to something other than one’s command of the words of one’s native language. Or refer to a play or a book as “organic.” It’s just dickery and everyone knows it, but for some reason they choose to ignore it. No longer. I’m calling myself and everyone else out. Don’t be a tool. Use words that mean something in a context outside of an upper division English/philosophy/lit theory class in private school.
“Complex narrative” is one of those phrases like “postmodern” that doesn’t actually mean anything – people just toss it around to make their speech or writing sound more intelligent and high handed. It’s like when people use the word vocabulary to refer to something other than one’s command of the words of one’s native language. Or refer to a play or a book as “organic.” It’s just dickery and everyone knows it, but for some reason they choose to ignore it. No longer. I’m calling myself and everyone else out. Don’t be a tool. Use words that mean something in a context outside of an upper division English/philosophy/lit theory class in private school.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
$100 Haircut
In a stunning conspiracy designed to rid me of my money, I received a $76 dollar speeding ticket on the way to get my hair cut on Friday. This happened for two reasons. First, Google maps lied to me about where the salon was, saying that I needed to drive about 3 miles past where I actually needed to go. When the street I was driving on abruptly ended, I figured that I had been scammed, but I decided to push on anyway. I made the executive decision to turn right at a T intersection, which led me directly past a police officer who was apparently lying in wait like an alligator in a swamp (and behind a line of trees, I might add) for unsuspecting wayfarers to happen by. Cowardice. Secondly – and I actually went back to check this – there was no posted speed limit sign until about a quarter mile AFTER where I got pulled over.
So after Officer Squarenuts had the audacity to write me a ticket when I was clearly lost, (both my license and my tags are from Wisconsin) where there was no posted speed limit sign, he also had the nerve to give me a written warning for not having proof of insurance in my car. Fuck the police.
On the other hand, considering how flagrantly I disobey the speed limit every time I get behind the wheel, I should probably be happy that it’s taken me this long to get a ticket. This is my first citiation, despite having been pulled over two other times (for 14mph and 15mph over the limit, respectively). Also, at 10 over, this was the slowest I’ve ever been picked up for speeding. I have to feel like it almost wasn’t worth the officer’s time. Cops in suburban Iowa really must not have anything better to do. But really, if I can get away with paying a $76 debt to society every 5 or 6 years, I can’t really be that mad…
Lessons you can learn from my mistakes:
-Apparently it’s a law in Iowa that you must have current proof of insurance in your vehicle.
-Apparently, it’s also a law in Iowa that you have to intuit the speed limit, based only upon instinct, excellent theorizing, and guesswork.
-Never trust Google maps.
-The police are mean, sneaky bastards.
So after Officer Squarenuts had the audacity to write me a ticket when I was clearly lost, (both my license and my tags are from Wisconsin) where there was no posted speed limit sign, he also had the nerve to give me a written warning for not having proof of insurance in my car. Fuck the police.
On the other hand, considering how flagrantly I disobey the speed limit every time I get behind the wheel, I should probably be happy that it’s taken me this long to get a ticket. This is my first citiation, despite having been pulled over two other times (for 14mph and 15mph over the limit, respectively). Also, at 10 over, this was the slowest I’ve ever been picked up for speeding. I have to feel like it almost wasn’t worth the officer’s time. Cops in suburban Iowa really must not have anything better to do. But really, if I can get away with paying a $76 debt to society every 5 or 6 years, I can’t really be that mad…
Lessons you can learn from my mistakes:
-Apparently it’s a law in Iowa that you must have current proof of insurance in your vehicle.
-Apparently, it’s also a law in Iowa that you have to intuit the speed limit, based only upon instinct, excellent theorizing, and guesswork.
-Never trust Google maps.
-The police are mean, sneaky bastards.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Swine Flu
I saw an article on CNN this morning entitled: “Swine Flu: Your Questions Answered.” I figure, if CNN can do it, I can too. So here it is…I’m going to answer all the pressing questions about swine flu that need answering.
What is swine flu?
Pretty much just like regular flu actually.
How is it transmitted?
Again, pretty much like regular flu. If somebody who has swine flu coughs on you, you’re probably going to get it. However, you often need prolonged contact with a contagious person to contract the virus yourself.
So, if it’s just like regular flu, why is everybody freaking out about it?
Probably because nobody wants to catch something that started in Mexico.
Should I be worried about a pandemic?
The CDC has confirmed 91 cases of swine flu in the US so far*. You do the math. What percentage of the US population currently has swine flu? Hint: the US population is 304, 059, 724. I’ll wait.
Ok. 0.000029928330790696892% of people have been confirmed with swine flu. Clearly, I am no flu expert, but those don’t look like pandemic numbers to me. But if this is a pandemic, think of all the other things that could now qualify as a pandemic as well: people getting their hands stuck in a blender, people slicing their wrists while trying to cut a bagel, people winning the lottery. I can see the headlines now: “95 people have won the lottery so far today – CDC declares lottery winning pandemic.”
How about the Spanish flu – isn’t this kind of like that?
Yes, except for now we have hospitals.
What should I do if I think I have swine flu?
Stay home and don’t breathe on anybody. If it gets really bad call your doctor. Don’t go out because even if it isn’t swine flu, nobody wants to catch it.
If you have further questions about the swine flu that need answers, I email me and I will post answers. I can’t wait to see where this goes…
*http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/30/health/30flu.html?_r=1&hp
What is swine flu?
Pretty much just like regular flu actually.
How is it transmitted?
Again, pretty much like regular flu. If somebody who has swine flu coughs on you, you’re probably going to get it. However, you often need prolonged contact with a contagious person to contract the virus yourself.
So, if it’s just like regular flu, why is everybody freaking out about it?
Probably because nobody wants to catch something that started in Mexico.
Should I be worried about a pandemic?
The CDC has confirmed 91 cases of swine flu in the US so far*. You do the math. What percentage of the US population currently has swine flu? Hint: the US population is 304, 059, 724. I’ll wait.
Ok. 0.000029928330790696892% of people have been confirmed with swine flu. Clearly, I am no flu expert, but those don’t look like pandemic numbers to me. But if this is a pandemic, think of all the other things that could now qualify as a pandemic as well: people getting their hands stuck in a blender, people slicing their wrists while trying to cut a bagel, people winning the lottery. I can see the headlines now: “95 people have won the lottery so far today – CDC declares lottery winning pandemic.”
How about the Spanish flu – isn’t this kind of like that?
Yes, except for now we have hospitals.
What should I do if I think I have swine flu?
Stay home and don’t breathe on anybody. If it gets really bad call your doctor. Don’t go out because even if it isn’t swine flu, nobody wants to catch it.
If you have further questions about the swine flu that need answers, I email me and I will post answers. I can’t wait to see where this goes…
*http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/30/health/30flu.html?_r=1&hp
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Oops...
So. I’m falling victim to one of my great fears about this blog – I have lapsed in my regular updates. As a follower of several blogs, I find it infuriating when those authors don’t entertain me on a regular basis, and for the one or two of you who read this, I’m trying not to do the same to you. I could make excuses – two shows in tech right now…15-hour work days…might have swine flu…relays last weekend – but it doesn’t change the fact. I won’t let it happen again.
As a sort of apology, I’m posting this story I wrote a few weeks ago, wherein I get made to look like a tool in front of one of my professors. Enjoy…
My friends make me look like a loser in front of my professor:
So the other night I was supposed to meet my friends at a restaurant and bar at 8pm. I got there about quarter after eight, because showing up on time is for squares. But much to my chagrin, my friends weren’t at the bar yet. Fine. I snag a table, order a beer and hang out. By myself. And then, what should happen, but one of my English professors walks in, notices me sitting alone, and comes over to chat. Not only did I have the misfortune to run into a current professor at a bar, he also felt bad enough for me that he came to my table to say hi out of pity. Just in case you were wondering, this was not the type of establishment where it’s acceptable to drown your sorrows alone on a Friday night. It’s the type of establishment where the microbrew I was drinking cost about twelve dollars.
This is the text message conversation that quickly ensued between me and one of the members of my party:
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
Matthew Avery
One of my professors is here. don’t leave me hanging.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
**** *********
We wont. We’re waiting on brit man
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:28 PM
Matthew Avery
Good god i’ll have my first beer done by the time you get here. Tell her to hurry the fuck up.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:40 PM
Matthew Avery
Man fuck this. If you guys aren’t here in 10 i’m calling backup.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
**** *********
We’re pickin up brit. Be there quick.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
Matthew Avery
Hell.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:43 PM
**** *********
Seriosly [sic] less than two mins
To their credit, they did show up about two minutes later. But I think my professor had already left, presumably with the assumption that I was as much of a loser as I looked.
As a sort of apology, I’m posting this story I wrote a few weeks ago, wherein I get made to look like a tool in front of one of my professors. Enjoy…
My friends make me look like a loser in front of my professor:
So the other night I was supposed to meet my friends at a restaurant and bar at 8pm. I got there about quarter after eight, because showing up on time is for squares. But much to my chagrin, my friends weren’t at the bar yet. Fine. I snag a table, order a beer and hang out. By myself. And then, what should happen, but one of my English professors walks in, notices me sitting alone, and comes over to chat. Not only did I have the misfortune to run into a current professor at a bar, he also felt bad enough for me that he came to my table to say hi out of pity. Just in case you were wondering, this was not the type of establishment where it’s acceptable to drown your sorrows alone on a Friday night. It’s the type of establishment where the microbrew I was drinking cost about twelve dollars.
This is the text message conversation that quickly ensued between me and one of the members of my party:
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
Matthew Avery
One of my professors is here. don’t leave me hanging.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:27 PM
**** *********
We wont. We’re waiting on brit man
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:28 PM
Matthew Avery
Good god i’ll have my first beer done by the time you get here. Tell her to hurry the fuck up.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:40 PM
Matthew Avery
Man fuck this. If you guys aren’t here in 10 i’m calling backup.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
**** *********
We’re pickin up brit. Be there quick.
To: **** *********
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:42 PM
Matthew Avery
Hell.
To: 1414*******
Sent: Friday, April 03, 2009 8:43 PM
**** *********
Seriosly [sic] less than two mins
To their credit, they did show up about two minutes later. But I think my professor had already left, presumably with the assumption that I was as much of a loser as I looked.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
College
Sometimes college can be awesome. Yeah I just said that. Even for a cynic like me who is sick of taking out enough student loans to purchase a small airplane, college shit can be cool. You just have to be in the right place at the right time. In this case, the right place is clearly the porch (or near vicinity) of someone’s house where beer pong and frisbee are being played, and the right time is any sunny afternoon, preferably one during which the weather is about 70 degrees. That’s Fahrenheit because we’re in America – 70 degrees Celsius would be positively unbearable. I’d rather not play beer sports in the Gobi desert.
And really, what says college better than drinking a good quantity of Natural Light, and then painting a street (and by painting a street I mean painting the people who are trying to paint a street)? Nothing. That’s what. They make college movies about shit like this.
For any of you who were curious, my 30-plus pages of writing that are due in the next few weeks remain unwritten.
And really, what says college better than drinking a good quantity of Natural Light, and then painting a street (and by painting a street I mean painting the people who are trying to paint a street)? Nothing. That’s what. They make college movies about shit like this.
For any of you who were curious, my 30-plus pages of writing that are due in the next few weeks remain unwritten.
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