The Burning Fury of a Thousand Million Suns (aka Odyssey #2)

In coming from upstate New York to Des Moines, Iowa, I had literally one of the worst drives of my life. Over the course of about thirty hours, each event compounded upon the one previous to create the worst travel experience since the Florida Odyssey. Here is the course of events:

Thursday, July 16, 2009

7:15pm: I finally get back to Albany NY, from PRG in New Jersey. I had expected to get there about 5:30. No matter.

7:16pm: I get into my car and start driving from Crossgates Mall in Albany. The roads around Crossgates are labyrinthian.

7:16:30pm: Immediately upon entering the freeway, I get blocked by a semi, and get shunted onto the northway, instead of the thruway west like I wanted.

7:17-7:25pm: Numerous actions taken to remedy situation.

7:25pm: Get back on Northway, then thruway, going the right direction.

8:30pm: Get on STE, to the sun setting into the Alleghenies. Beautiful.

10:00pm: I decide that I will drive 100 more miles, or until midnight, whichever comes first. I am on the interstate, and there seems to be numerous places to stop for the night.

10:15pm: All traces of life vanish. There are no more exits, and the road is pitch dark. I find this to be kind of sketchy.

10:35pm: Still nothing. No lights, few other cars.

11:05pm: My gas needle is on E. I start looking for gas stations. There aren't any.

11:26pm: There is a sign for a gas station off exit 29. I follow the signs into one of the most depressing small towns I have ever encountered. The gas station is closed. New York has a law that gas pumps must be shut off after the store closes. I curse everything that is good and holy.

11:28pm: I get back on the expressway. My gas needle is now below E. I proceed to get nervous.

11:46pm: After two fruitless exits, I find a gas station that is open. I fill my 11 gallon gas tank with 10.6 gallons of gas. Close call.

11:47pm: I get back on the interstate and begin searching for a hotel in earnest. Predictably, there are none.

Friday, July 17, 2009

12:13am: I see a sign for a Hampton Inn. There is a god.

12:15am: Hampton Inn is full. There is a god and he hates me. The desk clerk at the Hampton tells me that there is one room available at the Country Inn across town. He tells me to go fast because it is the last room available in at least 50 miles.

12:16am: I drive to the Country Inn like I'm black and the LAPD is chasing me.

12:24am: I get to the Country Inn. The room is still available. I get charged a small mortgage. Like literally, I paid less for a hotel room in Midtown Manhattan than for this Country Inn in bumblefuck NY. Predictably, I am not pleased.

12:16am: I shower off a day's worth of New Jersey grime, and then pass out.

7:45am: I wake up and raid the continental breakfast. By god I am going to get my money's worth out of this hotel.

8:03am: two bagles, a muffin, an apple, a bowl of cereal, and three cups of coffee later, I am ready to hit the road.

9:15am: I am already in Pennsylvania. I see a billboard advertising “Fireworks, Karate Supplies, Swords and Knives.” Perhaps my fates have turned.

10:23am: I cross the border into Ohio. I am all that is man. I stop at a rest stop for a celebratory Coca Cola and a tank of gas.

11:42am: I realize that I don't have my cell phone. I proceed to tear my car apart, almost driving off the road in the process.

11:44am: No cell phone. I realize that I left it on top of my car at the rest stop. It is now somewhere in the middle of I-90. About 100 miles behind me. In the pouring rain. God hates me, there is now no doubt.

12:10pm: I spend a dollar per minute to call my dad on a pay phone and let him know that my phone is toast. The only people who use payphones are homeless. I feel homeless.

12:16pm: I get back on the interstate. Only 500 miles to go.

3:24pm: Traffic backs up on the 80/90 in Indiana.

3:26pm: This is by far the worst traffic jam I have ever been in. Please note that I cut my teeth driving in Chicago and Orange County, CA.

3:28pm: I turn off my car and get out. On the side of the freeway.

3:44pm: Traffic starts to move again. I leisurely get back in my car and start driving. For 20 feet. And then stop and turn off my car again.

3:46pm: Two state police cars drive past me on the shoulder of the road. I am excited because I think they are going to divert traffic.

3:47pm: I notice that the police are not diverting traffic at all, but are instead giving tickets to people who are using the turnarounds to avoid the traffic jam. This is why people hate the police.

4:18pm: Traffic finally subsides. I have spent an hour going 2 ¾ miles. The reason for the traffic: one lane closed for 150 feet so construction workers could pick up road cones.

4:18:05: I contemplate what I might have done to piss off karma.

4:18:07: after some contemplation, I realize that I am probably pretty lucky that karma let me off this easily.

4:45pm: Because of the hour spent going nowhere in Indiana, I have hit full on Friday afternoon Chicago rush hour traffic (note the time change from EDT to CDT – I didn't actually make it from eastern Indiana to Chicago in under half an hour).

5:35pm: After spending almost an hour fighting assholes on the East-West Tollway, I am out of traffic and almost to Joliet. And I feel strangely at home.

6:10pm: Easy sailing through Illinois. Midwest expressways are ugly. I miss the Alleghenies.

6:53pm: Almost to Iowa. Score.

6:54pm: Construction on I-80. The interstate is down to one lane for 10 miles. So close, and yet, so far.

7:13pm: I finally make it into Iowa. 197 miles to Des Moines.

9:44pm: Arrive Des Moines. It is dark, cloudy, and cold.

10:15pm: I eat Jimmy Johns, and fall into a deep, comatose sleep.

Travel Manual

Since I'm now pretty much the expert on travel in New York and most of Massachusetts, I figured I'd write a sort of compilation of the dos and don'ts of said travel. Enjoy.

The expressways of Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and most of Ohio provide some of the most boring driving in this great nation.

No matter what you hear, don't pass a state police car on the expressway. You will get pulled over.

Unless you're experienced with the roadways of the great city of Boston (i.e. you can navigate yourself from Cambridge to the Masspike without going to Watertown), and you're trying to get on I-93 north from Dorchester, don't even bother. The on-ramp might as well be in fucking Narnia – it's not marked (at all) and even if you happen to find it, you can't get to it from Columbia Road unless you go way past it and then make a U-turn. Your best bet is probably to just take Morrisy Boulevard south and get on there.

If you have a great deal of concern for your own life, don't drive anywhere in NYC, especially on the FDR. Conversely, if you're not the anxious type, driving in the city is very liberating, in that the regular rules of the road don't really apply.

If you need to be someplace in a hurry, rule out the Bruckner Expressway and the GW Bridge, both of which will cause you to hate your life (or be really late to wherever you're going) if you're in a rush. I spent twenty minutes going precisely one half mile on the Bruckner a few weeks back. No good.

The metro north railroad is where hope goes to die.

If you aren't ready to step up to bat, don't even bother drinking in NYC. You're looking at a $50 bar tab, minimum.

Unless you're seeing a show, avoid Times Square at all costs. It is the pit of existence and the bane of New York City. However, if you do need to go there, you can literally take almost any subway, and it will stop at 42nd street.

Grand Central station is a labyrinth, in both the best and worst senses of the word. I was pretty sure I was going to walk through middle earth on the way to my train.

New York really doesn't ever sleep.

The best places to eat and drink on the east coast (as in many places) are the ones the tourists don't know about. I could tell you what they are but then I'd have to kill you. If you're really interested in specifics, send me an email.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Further bulletins as events warrant.