Few people actually know how close I have come to death. And my close encounter with my own mortality came in pretty much the most hilarious way possible. Here’s how it went down:
When I was about 16, my then girlfriend and I went to Noah’s Ark in Wisconsin Dells. I grew up in Wisconsin where this is actually a legitimate vacation destination – leave me alone. At 16 year old, this was my Elysium: I not only got to spend the entire day away from my parents, I got to spend it hanging out at a water park with my super hot girlfriend who was wearing a bikini. And afterward we were going back to her house where her parents weren’t going to be. Awesomeness? Check.
We rode a few water slides, did the water park thing for a few hours, and then we headed to the wave pool. Little did I know the effect this was going to have, not only on my day, but on the rest of my life. We were hanging out in the wave pool for a while, and everything was going fine. At that time, there were no waves so, after a few minutes, the girlfriend and I started to head back to the edge of the pool, because a wave pool without waves is like a sandwich with no meat: pretty damn boring. It was at this point that two things happened almost simultaneously: The waves started with gusto, and I got the worst cramp in my leg that I have ever experienced. Now, before you write me off as a wimp, I’m in pretty good physical shape (even more so then than now). I’ve played sports, and more importantly, I’m a fairly strong swimmer. I have injured myself pretty badly on several occasions (sprains, pulled muscles, tendonitis, &c.) and played through all of them. This was by far the worst pain I had experienced in my young life. I could not move my right leg. Which meant that consequently, I could not tread water. The waves had worked up to pretty good size now (about 40 foot seas, if I had to hazard a guess) and I could not keep my head above water. The water was too deep for me to touch the floor of the pool with my good leg, and I couldn’t tread well enough with one leg to keep pace with the waves. Every time I got my nose above the surface to gasp a breath, I got pummeled by another tsunami-sized breaker that pushed my head back under the water. I was drowning. In the fucking wave pool at Noah’s Ark.
As I’m being battered by the man-made surf, a few things are running through my mind:
A) What a way to die.
B) This is going to be terrible for my relationship. Even if I survive, I may not have a girlfriend anymore.
C) I sure do feel sorry for the ten-year-old and his mommy who find my dead body washed up on the astro-turf beach next to the plastic chaise-lounges.
D) Who came up with the idea for a wave pool anyway, and then designed it with no fucking safety device? Wave pools aren’t even that much fun when you’re not drowning.
It was then that I decided that there was abso-fucking-lutely no way I was going to die anywhere at Noah’s Ark – it would be far to ignominious. I kicked the survival instinct up a notch, grabbed a breath of air between waves, and started to body surf. Yep, I body surfed my way back to the shore of the wave pool. I finally got close to the edge, and as a final insult, one last wave broke over my head, and slammed me, chest first, onto the astro-turf beach, giving me a mean case of rug burn on my chin, chest, and stomach. It felt great on my sunburn.
I spent the rest of the day riding a huge inner tube on the “Lazy River” because I was too afraid to go on any of the other rides; almost dying in the fucking wave pool doesn’t really make you want to ride the “Point of No Return.” One brush with death in a day was enough for me. To be fair, the girlfriend was relatively gracious about it, and she still hung out with me instead of reacting with shame and disgust as I had imagined she would. But, adding still more insult to my injury, I got a funny sunburn from sitting in an inner tube in the sun all afternoon. I can’t make this shit up.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Vodka Short List
I've been doing a lot of traveling lately, and a lot of drinking always, so in an effort to help this blog live up to the more cultural and informative parts of it's billing, I've created a list of what I consider to be the ten best types of vodka. Since I can read your mind, I can tell that you're thinking: what can be that great about a liquor that is distilled to be tasteless and colorless? If you're asking this question, don't feel bad, it just means one of two things: either you're not that smart, or you don't drink that much, both of which are problems that this blog, and more specifically this blog post in particular, can remedy. You're also thinking: why the hell should I listen to your drinking advice, Avery? To which I respond: I've probably had a lot more vodka than you have, and in this case, experience equals knowledge. You may also be thinking that you can cut corners and get cheap vodka from the liquor section of the grocery store, which is not really true. Most vodka under $15 or $20 is pure fucking fire water and should not be consumed by anyone, ever. I've even included some parings to get you started on your way to being a two-fisting alcoholic. So without further ado:
10 Best Vodkas served in America
1.Ultimat: don't even bother mixing it, it's too good. Up, extra dry, with a few bleu cheese olives is one of the best martinis you will ever have. You may think that you don't like straight dry martinis, but you are wrong. You just haven't had a good one yet.
2.Snow Queen: good on its own merits, or in a mixed cocktail. Excellent compliment to delicate flavors like peach or orchid. The downside is that it's really hard to find anywhere besides the northeast.
3.Grey Goose: This is a smooth, good tasting vodka, that is overall very solid.
4.Reyka: Pretty smooth, with a great, tart flavor. Great compliment to flavors like pomegranate and cranberry.
5.Belvedere: a real solid, middle of the road vodka. It's number 5 for a reason, as it never fails as a reliable go-to.
6.Ketel One: Try it with club soda and a slice of lemon.
7.Stolichnaya: Cheaper than most, but still really good. Goes well with sweeter flavors like pineapple or orange.
8.Ciroc: Pretty good vodka – excellent flavors, but not the smoothest you can buy.
9.Finlandia: makes great mixed drinks. Try it in a pomegranate and blueberry martini.
10.Chopin: ehh. Somebody had to be number ten.
Disclaimers:
These brands listed represent their straight, unflavored versions only. Almost unanimously, the flavored versions of these vodkas are not as good: if you want a flavored vodka, your best bet is to infuse it yourself (more on this to come).
Although I fancy myself somewhat of an amateur vodka connoisseur, and I have consumed a good deal of vodka in my day, the vodkas listed represent only those I have tasted so far. There are plenty of good varieties (Cape North for example) that have such limited distribution that even I haven't gotten around to trying them yet.
There are also several vodkas that are very good, just not good enough to be top ten. Some examples:
Rain: very flavorful but a little harsh. Supposedly distilled using rain water or some shit like that. Pros: comes in a fun raindrop shaped bottle, can be bought for about $20. Cons: not that great. Makes a really good vodka lemonade though.
Pearl: a solid, middle of the road vodka. Pros: cheap ($18) and smooth. Cons: No flavor at all. Good for cocktails like bloody marys, where the flavor of the vodka is mostly overpowered by the mixer anyway.
Quadro: Pros: comes in a neat square bottle. Cons: mediocre, limited availability.
Svedka: Pros: great for when you're having a party, because it's pretty decent, and you can get a magnum bottle for like $35. Cons: doesn't taste that great. It would be stupid to make a martini with it.
Three Olives: Pros: if you must buy a flavored vodka, they have some of the best and most diverse flavors available, from pomegranate to root beer to vanilla. Cons: the way it is batched is weird, so in any given bottle there is probably vodka from a mix of batches, which means it doesn't ever have a very reliable flavor. It's also underproof, generally 35% ABV (70 proof) rather than 40% ABV (80 proof) of most other vodkas.
If you have any suggestions for additions, or other drinks I should try, feel free to let me know – i'll try just about anything once.
**Ed. Note: on the subject of drinking, my buddy and I discovered an excellent shot at a bar called Shade in the East Village. It's equal parts Walker Black and Baileys, and it's fucking special olympics (if the president can say it, so can I) in a double shot. You think they are pretty tasty and harmless, and all of a sudden you are shitfaced with a $60 bar tab on your hands. Beware.
10 Best Vodkas served in America
1.Ultimat: don't even bother mixing it, it's too good. Up, extra dry, with a few bleu cheese olives is one of the best martinis you will ever have. You may think that you don't like straight dry martinis, but you are wrong. You just haven't had a good one yet.
2.Snow Queen: good on its own merits, or in a mixed cocktail. Excellent compliment to delicate flavors like peach or orchid. The downside is that it's really hard to find anywhere besides the northeast.
3.Grey Goose: This is a smooth, good tasting vodka, that is overall very solid.
4.Reyka: Pretty smooth, with a great, tart flavor. Great compliment to flavors like pomegranate and cranberry.
5.Belvedere: a real solid, middle of the road vodka. It's number 5 for a reason, as it never fails as a reliable go-to.
6.Ketel One: Try it with club soda and a slice of lemon.
7.Stolichnaya: Cheaper than most, but still really good. Goes well with sweeter flavors like pineapple or orange.
8.Ciroc: Pretty good vodka – excellent flavors, but not the smoothest you can buy.
9.Finlandia: makes great mixed drinks. Try it in a pomegranate and blueberry martini.
10.Chopin: ehh. Somebody had to be number ten.
Disclaimers:
These brands listed represent their straight, unflavored versions only. Almost unanimously, the flavored versions of these vodkas are not as good: if you want a flavored vodka, your best bet is to infuse it yourself (more on this to come).
Although I fancy myself somewhat of an amateur vodka connoisseur, and I have consumed a good deal of vodka in my day, the vodkas listed represent only those I have tasted so far. There are plenty of good varieties (Cape North for example) that have such limited distribution that even I haven't gotten around to trying them yet.
There are also several vodkas that are very good, just not good enough to be top ten. Some examples:
Rain: very flavorful but a little harsh. Supposedly distilled using rain water or some shit like that. Pros: comes in a fun raindrop shaped bottle, can be bought for about $20. Cons: not that great. Makes a really good vodka lemonade though.
Pearl: a solid, middle of the road vodka. Pros: cheap ($18) and smooth. Cons: No flavor at all. Good for cocktails like bloody marys, where the flavor of the vodka is mostly overpowered by the mixer anyway.
Quadro: Pros: comes in a neat square bottle. Cons: mediocre, limited availability.
Svedka: Pros: great for when you're having a party, because it's pretty decent, and you can get a magnum bottle for like $35. Cons: doesn't taste that great. It would be stupid to make a martini with it.
Three Olives: Pros: if you must buy a flavored vodka, they have some of the best and most diverse flavors available, from pomegranate to root beer to vanilla. Cons: the way it is batched is weird, so in any given bottle there is probably vodka from a mix of batches, which means it doesn't ever have a very reliable flavor. It's also underproof, generally 35% ABV (70 proof) rather than 40% ABV (80 proof) of most other vodkas.
If you have any suggestions for additions, or other drinks I should try, feel free to let me know – i'll try just about anything once.
**Ed. Note: on the subject of drinking, my buddy and I discovered an excellent shot at a bar called Shade in the East Village. It's equal parts Walker Black and Baileys, and it's fucking special olympics (if the president can say it, so can I) in a double shot. You think they are pretty tasty and harmless, and all of a sudden you are shitfaced with a $60 bar tab on your hands. Beware.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I Fucking Hate Tourists
So I went downtown this morning to get coffee and a bagel, forgetting that Dave Matthews played SPAC this weekend, so the town is overrun with bro-y douche bags who drink lots of light beer and leave their trash everywhere. Also, this weekend is Saratoga ArtsFest, so the town is also overrun with old douche bags, who think that their wealth obligates them to patronize the arts. As I was sitting at the far back table of the coffee shop (because all the other ones were taken up by twenty-somethings wearing tie-dye) I think I figured out why people hate tourists. And as I got honked at by the old asshole in his Mercedes-Benz (who parked me in, I might add) for getting too close to his car, I also figured out why road rage exists. And why some people don't like old people. I let out a flurry of unintelligible curse words - some directed at myself for not actually putting his engine block in his front seat - and peeled out. I hope he enjoys his fifty thousand dollar car that he can't even parallel park. Oh, and on the way home, I had to wait for about ten jockeys and their horses to cross the street. What a weird place to live.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
A day in the life...
Let me give you a representative sample of my day as an electrician, so you can get a feel for it.
Our call is generally a full hour to two hours later than that of the carpenters. And even then we're usually late, generally due to stopping for bagels and coffee on the way to work, and then eating them outside the stage door when we're supposed to be working. The other day, our call was 9am, and we were for sure there, but we ate breakfast until 9:20. From about 9:20 until 9:45, we sat and talked about what we were going to do. Then I put on a climbing harness, and made a ridiculous climb to hang and circuit four lights. It involved me putting a 12' step ladder on top of a (supported?) platform, propping it against a wall, and climbing to the top step so I could clip in my harness and hang from a pipe. Sounds safe to me.
After that, I cut a hole in one of the platforms the carpenters had built so I could run a cable through it. But I had to unscrew and move a stair unit to get under the platform. So I stole a screw gun from the carpenters to take out the screws, leaving a four foot drop with no escape stairs. Then I stole a jigsaw to cut the platform. And broke their jigsaw in the process. And made one of their interns fix it. And then cut apart some more of their platform. I don't know who put those stairs back, but it sure wasn't me.
A little later, we had an impromptu meeting with the set designer, to discuss a practical unit that had to be rigged from the grid. Then we went on break. When we came back from break, we sat around the light console doing a dimmer check, and pretending to look busy until it was time for lunch. Sometimes its fun to roll color scrollers back and forth, and pretend to be “troubleshooting.” It really throws off the people who are working onstage, because their light keeps changing color.
I even hear that electricians sometimes pretend to take lunch break and then just don't come back to work. Yeah, I bet that happens.
Our call is generally a full hour to two hours later than that of the carpenters. And even then we're usually late, generally due to stopping for bagels and coffee on the way to work, and then eating them outside the stage door when we're supposed to be working. The other day, our call was 9am, and we were for sure there, but we ate breakfast until 9:20. From about 9:20 until 9:45, we sat and talked about what we were going to do. Then I put on a climbing harness, and made a ridiculous climb to hang and circuit four lights. It involved me putting a 12' step ladder on top of a (supported?) platform, propping it against a wall, and climbing to the top step so I could clip in my harness and hang from a pipe. Sounds safe to me.
After that, I cut a hole in one of the platforms the carpenters had built so I could run a cable through it. But I had to unscrew and move a stair unit to get under the platform. So I stole a screw gun from the carpenters to take out the screws, leaving a four foot drop with no escape stairs. Then I stole a jigsaw to cut the platform. And broke their jigsaw in the process. And made one of their interns fix it. And then cut apart some more of their platform. I don't know who put those stairs back, but it sure wasn't me.
A little later, we had an impromptu meeting with the set designer, to discuss a practical unit that had to be rigged from the grid. Then we went on break. When we came back from break, we sat around the light console doing a dimmer check, and pretending to look busy until it was time for lunch. Sometimes its fun to roll color scrollers back and forth, and pretend to be “troubleshooting.” It really throws off the people who are working onstage, because their light keeps changing color.
I even hear that electricians sometimes pretend to take lunch break and then just don't come back to work. Yeah, I bet that happens.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Travel Manual
Since I'm now pretty much the expert on travel in New York and most of Massachusetts, I figured I'd write a sort of compilation of the dos and don'ts of said travel. Enjoy.
The expressways of Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and most of Ohio provide some of the most boring driving in this great nation.
No matter what you hear, don't pass a state police car on the expressway. You will get pulled over.
Unless you're experienced with the roadways of the great city of Boston (i.e. you can navigate yourself from Cambridge to the Masspike without going to Watertown), and you're trying to get on I-93 north from Dorchester, don't even bother. The on-ramp might as well be in fucking Narnia – it's not marked (at all) and even if you happen to find it, you can't get to it from Columbia Road unless you go way past it and then make a U-turn. Your best bet is probably to just take Morrisy Boulevard south and get on there.
If you have a great deal of concern for your own life, don't drive anywhere in NYC, especially on the FDR. Conversely, if you're not the anxious type, driving in the city is very liberating, in that the regular rules of the road don't really apply.
If you need to be someplace in a hurry, rule out the Bruckner Expressway and the GW Bridge, both of which will cause you to hate your life (or be really late to wherever you're going) if you're in a rush. I spent twenty minutes going precisely one half mile on the Bruckner a few weeks back. No good.
The metro north railroad is where hope goes to die.
If you aren't ready to step up to bat, don't even bother drinking in NYC. You're looking at a $50 bar tab, minimum.
Unless you're seeing a show, avoid Times Square at all costs. It is the pit of existence and the bane of New York City. However, if you do need to go there, you can literally take almost any subway, and it will stop at 42nd street.
Grand Central station is a labyrinth, in both the best and worst senses of the word. I was pretty sure I was going to walk through middle earth on the way to my train.
New York really doesn't ever sleep.
The best places to eat and drink on the east coast (as in many places) are the ones the tourists don't know about. I could tell you what they are but then I'd have to kill you. If you're really interested in specifics, send me an email.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. Further bulletins as events warrant.
The expressways of Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and most of Ohio provide some of the most boring driving in this great nation.
No matter what you hear, don't pass a state police car on the expressway. You will get pulled over.
Unless you're experienced with the roadways of the great city of Boston (i.e. you can navigate yourself from Cambridge to the Masspike without going to Watertown), and you're trying to get on I-93 north from Dorchester, don't even bother. The on-ramp might as well be in fucking Narnia – it's not marked (at all) and even if you happen to find it, you can't get to it from Columbia Road unless you go way past it and then make a U-turn. Your best bet is probably to just take Morrisy Boulevard south and get on there.
If you have a great deal of concern for your own life, don't drive anywhere in NYC, especially on the FDR. Conversely, if you're not the anxious type, driving in the city is very liberating, in that the regular rules of the road don't really apply.
If you need to be someplace in a hurry, rule out the Bruckner Expressway and the GW Bridge, both of which will cause you to hate your life (or be really late to wherever you're going) if you're in a rush. I spent twenty minutes going precisely one half mile on the Bruckner a few weeks back. No good.
The metro north railroad is where hope goes to die.
If you aren't ready to step up to bat, don't even bother drinking in NYC. You're looking at a $50 bar tab, minimum.
Unless you're seeing a show, avoid Times Square at all costs. It is the pit of existence and the bane of New York City. However, if you do need to go there, you can literally take almost any subway, and it will stop at 42nd street.
Grand Central station is a labyrinth, in both the best and worst senses of the word. I was pretty sure I was going to walk through middle earth on the way to my train.
New York really doesn't ever sleep.
The best places to eat and drink on the east coast (as in many places) are the ones the tourists don't know about. I could tell you what they are but then I'd have to kill you. If you're really interested in specifics, send me an email.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. Further bulletins as events warrant.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
My bad...
I apologize for not having posted to my blog in about two weeks: my excuse this time is that the trip mileage on my car, reset on May 21, now reads 2358.4. Yeah. I feel like a fucking truck driver. Once I have a few days to get my thoughts in order, I'll write some more (got a few really good/funny stories that need telling) and start trying to get back into the normal writing/posting routine. As always, you can follow me on Twitter for up to the minute updates and anecdotes. Keep checking back...
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