Travel Manual

Since I'm now pretty much the expert on travel in New York and most of Massachusetts, I figured I'd write a sort of compilation of the dos and don'ts of said travel. Enjoy.

The expressways of Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and most of Ohio provide some of the most boring driving in this great nation.

No matter what you hear, don't pass a state police car on the expressway. You will get pulled over.

Unless you're experienced with the roadways of the great city of Boston (i.e. you can navigate yourself from Cambridge to the Masspike without going to Watertown), and you're trying to get on I-93 north from Dorchester, don't even bother. The on-ramp might as well be in fucking Narnia – it's not marked (at all) and even if you happen to find it, you can't get to it from Columbia Road unless you go way past it and then make a U-turn. Your best bet is probably to just take Morrisy Boulevard south and get on there.

If you have a great deal of concern for your own life, don't drive anywhere in NYC, especially on the FDR. Conversely, if you're not the anxious type, driving in the city is very liberating, in that the regular rules of the road don't really apply.

If you need to be someplace in a hurry, rule out the Bruckner Expressway and the GW Bridge, both of which will cause you to hate your life (or be really late to wherever you're going) if you're in a rush. I spent twenty minutes going precisely one half mile on the Bruckner a few weeks back. No good.

The metro north railroad is where hope goes to die.

If you aren't ready to step up to bat, don't even bother drinking in NYC. You're looking at a $50 bar tab, minimum.

Unless you're seeing a show, avoid Times Square at all costs. It is the pit of existence and the bane of New York City. However, if you do need to go there, you can literally take almost any subway, and it will stop at 42nd street.

Grand Central station is a labyrinth, in both the best and worst senses of the word. I was pretty sure I was going to walk through middle earth on the way to my train.

New York really doesn't ever sleep.

The best places to eat and drink on the east coast (as in many places) are the ones the tourists don't know about. I could tell you what they are but then I'd have to kill you. If you're really interested in specifics, send me an email.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. Further bulletins as events warrant.