My Life Amuses Me

Sometimes I think that my life has just about reached a crescendo of yawn inducing boredom, and then something like this happens along. I'll tell you right now that this story ends with a pretty stunning anti-climax, but it's a fun ride to get there.

This afternoon, I was hanging out with a couple of friends at their house, barbecuing and enjoying the weather (it was over 40, and it wasn’t snowing – we take what we can get here in Iowa). We were cooking some burgers, drinking some beers, and minding our own business, when a squad car passed by the house. I didn’t really think anything of it until he pulled a u-turn about a half a block up and drove past again. Really slowly. Which was awesome because I figured what I really wanted to do the rest of the afternoon was explain my underage friends out of a M.I.P. ticket, and explain to Officer Squarenuts about how the beer they were drinking was somehow not my fault, even though I was well aware of how old they were.

But the squad car just drove by again, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Until he flipped another u-turn and came driving back toward us again. And this time he stopped the car, rolled down the window, and motioned for my 20 year old buddy to come talk to him. Awesome. So my friend put down his beer and trotted over to the car.

This was the conversation that ensued:
Friend: hello sir.
Officer: how long have you guys been out here.
Friend: about 20 minutes.
Officer: you happen to see a car drive by here really fast?
Friend: no, why?
Officer: well, we got a report of a black Ford Taurus four door driving past here really fast, and the driver of it has a gun and is about to do something stupid.
Friend: no we haven’t seen that but we’ll keep our eyes out.
Officer: thanks.
The good officer then rolled up his window and drove away.

At which point, I said to my friend, “he said he was looking for a black Taurus 4-door right? Because one sure did just pull up right up the block, and a lady just got out of it and walked away,” to which my friend replied, “Oh yeah holy shit do you think we should call that in?” And of couse, being my normal, cavalier self, I just said, “Dude there are probably a thousand of those in Des Moines alone. It’s probably just a coincidence.” Remember that for later.

So we went back to our barbecue, and didn’t think that much more of it. Except every time a black car drove by we scanned it for guns. Then a few minutes later, another car pulled up next to the black one, and the driver got out and checked the license plate. Ok, kind of weird. And then he walked over to us and asked if we had seen where the driver went. So of course we told him, and he drove away. And then we all simultaneously realized what had just happened. “Holy shit guys, I do believe we are now accomplices to a crime.” So we called the police and reported what we had seen.

The police duly responded with two more cars. They pulled up next to the abandoned car. Then they got out and started looking at it. Then they picked one of the locks and started looking inside. Apparently they didn’t find anything, because all they did was write it a parking ticket call a tow truck to take it away. Which was funny, because it wasn’t in a tow zone, or even illegally parked from what I could tell. Apparently if the police have to come check out your vehicle, they make it worth their while.

One of the officers, the same who originally told us about the incident, came over to talk with us, and this was his take on the situation:

Officer: apparently, the lady who was driving this car got pretty drunk and then ran into some stuff. We ran the plates and she lives not too far away, so she probably just ditched the car here and walked home. The people you saw looking for her were her husband and baby son.
Me: man sounds pretty good for 5 o’clock on Sunday afternoon.
Officer: (makes a face and pretends to stumble) yeah don’t drink and drive, kids.
He then got into his car and drove away, and left the other officer to deal with the tow truck.

I imagine that job would get dull quick if you didn’t have a pretty good sense of humor.

After the tow truck left, the other officer came over to take down my friend’s information, because since he was the one who called, that made him the official witness. And just then, my friend’s next-door neighbor, who just so happens to be the director of the honors program at the institution I attend, and who also happens to be my thesis advisor, happened to walk outside with his wife and his dog. I can only imagine his thought process, as he surveyed the porch steps littered with empty beer bottles, and then drifted his gaze over to his not quite 21 year neighbor, who is the primary tenant of the house, speaking to an officer of the law. Hell yes, I’m graduating with university honors.

But the high point of the afternoon was definitively the fact that the officer gave my friend this sticker for calling in the incident:










Remember what I said about having a sense of humor? Apparently cops can be pretty funny sometimes.

Also, nobody knows whatever happened to the gun, or if there was one in the first place. Apparently that will remain a mystery…